I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer... but no one will do it.
Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes & Jokes
You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.
Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
You cannot make your opportunities concur with the opportunities of people whose incomes are ten times greater than yours.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
I will f**k a kid up. When a kid gets one-years-old, I believe you got the right to hit him in either the throat or the stomach. If you grown enough to talk back, you grown enough to get f**ked up!
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.
There are no accidents. God's just trying to remain anonymous.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work.
It's more blessed to give than to receive - especially kittens.
I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn't a skill... it's a f**king genetic accident. You wouldn't say I'm proud to be 5'11"; I'm proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer.
The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.
Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went?
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: it attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
I don't think anybody should go through life without a team of psychologists. I have been through times when I'm literally squatting in the living room, having one of those open-throated cries, where you're crying all the way to your butthole. I always believed I would come out of it, though.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
Have you seen that magazine "Barely Legal"? That means when you look at it, you're "almost" a pedophile.
When people say "life is short". What the f**k? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f**king does! What can you do that's longer?
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.
If you can remember the sixties, you weren't there.
By the way, the proceeds from tonight's telecast - and I think this is so great - will be divvied up between huge corporations.
All music is the blues. All of it.
Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?
They keep saying you can't compare apples and oranges. I can. An apple is red and distinctly non-spherical; an orange is orange and nearly spherical. So, what's the big problem?
If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.
I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.