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Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes & Jokes

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

America is one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I don't like being out in public too much. I don't like going to bars. I don't like doing celebrity stuff.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.'

I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.

The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

It's more blessed to give than to receive - especially kittens.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, "Sure. You first."

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!" "Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.”

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: it attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the f*cking effort. There is a difference.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.'

You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?

Your kids should not affect my life at all, but they do; I have to pay for HBO just to hear a comedian say "f*ck" to protect your kids.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

My report card always said, "Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students."

By the way, the proceeds from tonight's telecast - and I think this is so great - will be divvied up between huge corporations.

Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

All music is the blues. All of it.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.

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