I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes & Jokes
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.
The other night my girlfriend and I are in bed together. She says, 'Anthony, I want you to pee on me.' Now I have never thought about peeing on a woman in my entire life. Never even imagined it before but then I got the green light and apparently, it's my thing. I just jumped up right away. But as soon as that begins she starts screaming at me; like it's my fault she talks in her sleep.
Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn't a skill... it's a f*cking genetic accident. You wouldn't say I'm proud to be 5'11"; I'm proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer.
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.
When people say "life is short". What the f*ck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does! What can you do that's longer?
Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went?
Did you ever have the police follow you for so long, that you get suspicious about your own goddamn self? "Maybe I did kill them people."
America is one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.
The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.
You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.
What’s that, son? Nah, we’re not going to church today, f*ck that. It’s all a bunch of bullshit. God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down there to see him? Really? And he’s mad at me down there, and I owe you money? Go f*ck yourself.
I don't think anybody should go through life without a team of psychologists. I have been through times when I'm literally squatting in the living room, having one of those open-throated cries, where you're crying all the way to your butthole. I always believed I would come out of it, though.
I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.
The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.
You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.'
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
You can become famous but you can't become unfamous. You can become infamous but not unfamous.
You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.
Before I do anything, I think, well what hasn't been seen. Sometimes, that turns out to be something ghastly and not fit for society. And sometimes that inspiration becomes something that's really worthwhile.
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: it attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the f*cking effort. There is a difference.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
By the way, the proceeds from tonight's telecast - and I think this is so great - will be divvied up between huge corporations.
Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
All music is the blues. All of it.
Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?
If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.
I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.