Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: "What is that? Muffins!"
Demetri Martin: Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then...
Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.
Other quotes by Demetri Martin
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.'
Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.
Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".
One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’