Your kids should not affect my life at all, but they do; I have to pay for HBO just to hear a comedian say "f*ck" to protect your kids.
Doug Stanhope: Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and...
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
Other quotes by Doug Stanhope
If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Don't do sh*t you hate... there's another way... quit. Go in Monday and steel a bunch of sh*t and quit... and steel big sh*t too.
I think that's when I knew I lost my youth; when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just to f*ck her.
I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.
I don't like when minorities tell me that I can't understand racism because I'm white. I go: "No, you can't understand racism 'cause you're not white; I hear the sh*t they say about you when you leave the room! They don't hold back on my account."
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and f*cking annoying.
"It's the violence in the media that's the problem..." No, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won't do sh*t about it.