My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
Rodney Dangerfield: I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's...
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
Other quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.