I think the best part of being gay is when you're done, you could turn over and talk about football.
Andrew Dice Clay Quotes & Jokes
Little Boy Blue - He needed the money.
Little Bo Peep f*cked her sheep Blew a horse, licked his feet She ate his as* so very nice Tongued his b*lls not once but twice.
Jack Sprat could eat no fat His wife could eat no lean So Jack ignored those flabby t*ts And licked her assh*le clean.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary, Trim that p*ssy it's too d*mn hairy.
Hickory Dickory Dock Some chick was sucking my c*ck The clock struck two I dropped my goo I dumped the b*tch on the next block.
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie Jerked off in his girlfriend's eye When her eye was dry and shut Georgie f*cked that one-eyed sl*t.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet Eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, Who sat down beside her And said, "Hey, what's in the bowl, b*tch?"
Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and a quarter Jill came down with $2.50.
People are taking the act too seriously. The Diceman character is a macho moron. It's juvenile comedy. I just like to make people laugh.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack burnt off his f*cking d*ck!
Just tonight this chick is sucking my d*ck. And she’s like, “Don’t come in my mouth.” I go, “Honey, I don’t want to f*ck up your hair. We’re in a nice restaurant.”
Hey diddle diddle, The cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over the moon. That's more than my lazy wife does, The fat, f*cking smelly baboon.
She did the knuckle shuffle on my p*ss pump!
Go ahead, marry her. Don't marry her, man. How do you know where she's been? Huh! How do you know she's not the biggest f*cking wh*re to ever walk this f*cking town, man? I went with this one girl, she was such a f*cking tramp, I had to double park my d*ck on her as* and wait an hour to get in. It's unf*ckingbelievable, I'm telling ya.
Roses are red, Violets are blue. I f*cked your mother's as* And she had you.
Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top Your mother's a wh*re, And I ain't your pop.
Roll, roll, roll your c*nt Gently down my pr*ck. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Then you'll suck my d*ck.
Mother Goose? Yeah I f*cked her.
Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater Had a wife, loved to beat her Smacked her twice across the head F*cked her as* and went to bed.
If it smells like fish its a dish. If it smells like cologne leave it alone.
Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater. Whacked off in the movie theater. Sprayed his load across the screen And ruined Titanic's final scene.
Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard To get her old dog a snack. The cupboard was bare, She didn't despair. She let Rover munch on her crack.
Jack and Jill went up the hill And Jack would try to hump her. Jill said No / and Jack said So I'll ram it in your dumper.
I like a bush. A nice big, hairy, stinky, smelly f*cking bush. And I hate when they put cologne on it. They dummy it up with cologne like you don’t know where you are. I like that nice natural scent of salmon.
There was an old lady Who lived in a shoe She had so many kids Her uterus fell out.
Twinkle twinkle little star, Will she blow me in the car. I bought her dinner, she had fun. My b*lls are boiling, I'd like to come.
Little Miss Muffet Sat on a tuffet A lightbulb was stuck up her as*. It woke up the spider Who lived deep inside her. He said "Hey, free electric and gas."
Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe Suck my d*ck and swallow slow.
Doe, a deer, a female deer. Ray, the guy that f*cked her as*.
Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard To get her old dog a bone And when she bent over, Rover took over! She got a bone of her own.
C'mon baby, lose the bra.
I don't drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what's so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddave... Kkkikikill your papapaparents!
Twinkle, twinkle little star How I wonder what you are Shine upon the parking lot As I eat my girl friends tw*t.
Jack and Betty, up in a tree F-U-C-K-I-N-G First comes Betty, then comes Jack Then comes the goo from Betty's crack.
Hickory Dickory Dock. My b*lls fell out of my jock. I laid them to rest On some h*oker's chest And paddled her face with my c*ck.
When you jerk off, you’re saying “Hey, I care about me.”
What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed f*cking salad!
Rub a Dub Dub Three men in a tub. F*ggots have threesomes, too So f*cking what.
Three blind mice, see how they run Where the f*ck are they going?
Mary had a little lamb, She kept in her backyard. When she took her panties off His wooly d*ck got hard.
Patty cake, patty cake, Baker's man If your chick's on her period F*ck her in the can.
Don't most men actually think that the more money they spend on a date, the more fingers they get to stick in your p*ssy before they kiss you goodnight?
Old King Cole was a merry old soul A merry old soul was he He chewed off his tit And ate his own sh*t And washed it down with some tea.
Let me ask you a question...: the first time you f*cked her, was she any good? Yeah? Now let me ask you another question: how do you think she got that way?
If my girlfriend brings home a nice looking friend of hers, I f*ck her on principal. You know what I mean? Don't throw another bush in front of my face. What do you think I'm gonna do? Talk to it? I'm gonna bang it.
I'm not the greatest husband - I've got a girlfriend. It doesn't really please my wife, but then if I was looking to please her I wouldn't have a girlfriend. I mean she knows about it, and I guess she's okay with it. Plus my kids like both of them.
Little jack Horner sat in a corner Eating a pizza pie. He sh*t pepperoni, Then blew his friend Tony, And wiped his mouth on his tie.
Life is like sex, baby - the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story.