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Jim Carrey Quotes & Jokes

I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.

My report card always said, "Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students."

I wanted to be a veterinarian for about a week of my life when I was a kid. But I found out about the whole euthanasia thing and I said, "I can't commit to that, sorry!"

Before I do anything, I think, well what hasn't been seen. Sometimes, that turns out to be something ghastly and not fit for society. And sometimes that inspiration becomes something that's really worthwhile.

Those times in life when you're terrified are the mastery times.

Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

I'm so wrapped up in my work that it's often impossible to consider other things in my life. My marriage ended in divorce because of this, my relationship with Holly has suffered by this.

Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.

Originality is really important.

Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.

My teacher in the seventh grade told me that if I didn't fool around during class, I could have 15 minutes at the end of the day to do a comedy routine. Instead of bugging everybody, I'd figure out my routine. And at the end of the day, I'd get to perform in front of my entire class. I thought it was really smart of her. It's amazing how important that was.

Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.

I love playing ego and insecurity combined.

I tend to stay up late, not because I'm partying but because it's the only time of the day when I'm alone and don't have to be performing.

If you've got a talent, protect it.

I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.

Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.

I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!

Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Suess inspired me to try cauliflower.

Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting.

I don't think anybody should go through life without a team of psychologists. I have been through times when I'm literally squatting in the living room, having one of those open-throated cries, where you're crying all the way to your butthole. I always believed I would come out of it, though.

That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, "Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down."

He who hesitates, masturbates.

I have been the guy who has everything but yet is so one-track minded about what I want, that I can't see my blessings.

One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.

I love playing ego and insecurity combined.

There is nothing like making love to somebody you give a sh*t about.

I enjoy fame except when I'm with my daughter. Kids stop me all the time and I don't want her to be jealous of the attention. Also, sometimes I just want to be left alone and I refuse to make rubber faces. That's when they start asking, "What's the matter, man, don't you like your job?" I say, "Yeah, I like my job. But I also like having sex, and I'm not going to do that in front of you either."

You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer!

If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.

I love this game!

Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.

Always turn your wheel in the direction of the skid.

50 years: here's a time when you have to separate yourself from what other people expect of you, and do what you love. Because if you find yourself 50 years old and you aren't doing what you love, then what's the point?

This country has helped define me and make my dreams come true.

How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later.

The early bird gathers no moss! The rolling stone catches the worm.

I hope everybody could get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know that its not the answer.

I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.

And He saw that it was good!

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.

My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.

I just want to be myself.

Don't you get it? Someone has to save all the other cable boys and girls, someone has to kill the babysitter.

Caaaaaaaable guuuuuuy!

Holy Testicle Tuesday!

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