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Steve Martin Quotes & Jokes

By the way, the proceeds from tonight's telecast - and I think this is so great - will be divvied up between huge corporations.

Knowledge of means without knowledge of ends is animal training.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

You can’t make something beautiful by trying to make something beautiful. Something becomes beautiful in the process of trying to be something else.

You cannot make your opportunities concur with the opportunities of people whose incomes are ten times greater than yours.

There is something going on now in Mexico that I happen to think is cruelty to animals. What I'm talking about, of course, is cat juggling.

When someone less capable is ahead of me, I am not pleased. It makes me insane.

I would have felt a little funny if another actor was playing this role.

A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

I saw the movie, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they're crouching and hidden.

Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.

There are few takers for the quiet heart.

Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.

Sure, you can start now. Fire the janitor.

Writers block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.

I am a wild and crazy guy!

Somewhere in the world is... The world's worst doctor and he could be yours.

I didn’t worry if a bit got no response, as long as I believed it had enough response to linger.

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

I'd thought I'd spend time with the kids so they don't turn out weird.

Just to be on the front row here is a bit of a prize in itself.

She is nearing forty and not so easily forgiven as when her skin bloomed like roses.

Were they beautiful? We were all beautiful. We were in our twenties.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well...

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

Let us just say: I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it, because I was so happy all the time.

Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?

Always... no wait... never...

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

We are just happy that we are here in Brazil and that this was a good ending.

It was essential that I never show doubt about what I was doing.

It's almost as if someone took a saltine cracker, crumbled it and threw it in the air. These casinos were barges, on the water, and they were destroyed.

Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.

Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.

You know when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

The banjo is such a happy instrument - you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

How is it possible to miss a woman whom you kept at a distance, so that when she was gone you would not miss her?

I've heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone.

It is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.

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